The Art of Letting Go

You have NOTHING to offer me. I am writing this letter to you to say that I am done living by your standards. Everything of you is meaningless. I refuse to follow your patterns and I promise that I’ll never come back to you. All you’ve ever done led me to sin and failure. But I’m done with that.  If my life isn’t pleasing to God then there’s no way it can have meaning. I’m turning away from you and turning to Him. You’re now in my past, and I refuse to let my past affect my future. I hope you aren’t expecting me to look back at you because I know God isn’t. I am fearfully and wonderfully made mothah suckah! So back off. Oh, and thanks for nothing.

-Lauren

hooooooooooooo man, CAMP WAS AMAZING! im so glad that i went this year. im so thankful that God provided for me and brought me there. God HEALED me in the situation i was in and EMPOWERED me to leave that camp with more faith than ever to go into the real world and reach those who need Jesus. 

i am so amazed of how God changed everyone’s life at camp. when we first arrived there, i noticed that some people were so excited to be there for God, others excited to be there for their friends, others weren’t excited and some seemed nervous to be there because they didnt know anyone. but as the minutes, hours and days went by, God worked in lives by His healing hands, by building our fires and giving grace to His children.  i was in awe when i saw people dropping their pride and let God’s presence fall on them. i loved seeing people step out in faith and let God heal them.  everyone came together for One purpose and became UNITED. 

besides all of that, God blessed me with making so many new friends.  although it was such a short time that we were there, i got to meet new people and speak life with them. i loved the group i was put in, WASABI!! haha! we worked so well together. im so amazed on how encouraging everyone in my group was. we all got along and helped each other out and saw each other grow in those four days.  

im so blessed that God used me throughout this camp and will continue using me. even though i was struggling with a lot, God still molded me and used me to help others and gave me the strength to make disciples in my group, used me to pray on others to receive God’s gifts and because i humbled myself towards Him, He was faithful to me. 

now that camp is over, i want God to use me. i want God to give me opportunities to spread His love. i cant rely on myself, but on Him.  i no longer wanna rely on only myself to continue this life without falling because God has put people in my life to help me up. if i try to do it on my own, i wont be able to do it. Jesus has made a PERFECT plan and destiny for me, but i can only get to that if i surround myself and unite myself with people that will support, love and give me the truth. i cant wait for God to continue to mold, use and send me.  this world can offer nothing for me, but God has already provided everything for me that i need. i just have to hold my faith and surround myself with people who will build my fire. God has CHANGED my life in these past four days. He has healed my life. last night, God told me something that will forever be in my heart:

“I love you so much, Lauren. Because you humbled yourself to Me and trusted Me, I will heal you tonight.  All i wanted from you was to want me above anything else and because you now see that, I still want to use you and send you.  Keep following me. Stay faithful to me. I believe in you, I know you can get out of this, but not by yourself. You need me, You need your brothers and sisters. Make me the center of your life again and see what I will do, My daughter.  Just trust me.”

Praise God!! <3

today is the day that camp starts. WEEEEEEEEEE!!!! <3 and i am so excited and pumped up for it! :D ahhh, i know that God is gonna do AMAZING things there and change lives. i’m so excited for Him to change my life especially. last year, camp was so awesome and i cried so hard because God worked in me so much, He changed my life completely and i loved every moment of that. He made me realized that i wasn’t weak and i wasn’t worthless, but He told me that i was strong because of Him, and i was healed because He is the Healer. this year, i have that same expectancy for God to work and change my life.

a few weeks ago, i wasn’t as excited for camp as i am now. i had no expectancy, in fact, i was debating whether or not to go because i didnt believe that God was going to change me again and that it wasnt going to be fun. i thought it was a “once-in-a-lifetime sort of deal”. but i knew i had to change my mindset. i had to get that expectancy that i had last year and have FAITH that God can change me if i let Him change me.  as i started to do that and have the heart of expectancy, i knew God would make this camp amazing.

now, a few days ago my expectancy of God changing my life turned into God only making this camp super fun. but i had to change my mindset again.  it doesnt matter how the camp looks like or how the activities and food are or the way the shirts look or whatever.  just like when you pray, the words that come out of your mouth dont need to be perfectly planned out to sound good because its not about the person praying or sounding pro at it, its about God’s presence moving and working in lives. for camp, its the same concept.  it doesnt matter how the shirts look, the people who are going, the activities or even the food, its about how God is going to transform and heal everyone’s life. 

i know i have areas that arent surrendered to Him. from little areas, they turned into big ones. UNFORTUNATELY, i was good at putting up a front. i was good and making it seem like i was doing good when i knew that i was caught up in so much sin. unfortunately it was good enough to the point where no one would know. some people may think its good that i can lie and pretend, but its not.  because God knows and God knew exactly what i was doing and how i was lying.  i wasnt spending time with God, i wasnt surrendering to Him anymore and i wasnt giving my all, my entire life to Him. but thats gonna change.  i’ve tried again and again to get out of the mess that i created, but i only fell deeper and deeper into it. and soon enough, Satan didnt even have to try and convince me to sin, it was a battle within myself. i thought i could do it on my own, but i cant. i need Jesus and i need His grace and support as well as other people’s support. I NEED CHANGE! I NEED JESUS!

Dear Father,

i pray that You will use this camp to transform my life. i pray that You will destroy every bit of sin in my life and save me God. PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS GOD. You saved me many times before and i know You can do it again. i have faith in You! i have faith that i wont be changed for just a day or week or month or year but FOREVER! i want You, Father. im so sorry that i’ve sinned and i lied to everyone and tried to hide what i was doing. im sorry that i let this sin hinder me for so long and only now i come to You. I REPENT GOD! i know that You are a Healer and a Saviour and i want to make You Lord over EVERY PART OF MY LIFE! I LOVE YOU JESUS! i want to be that woman of God You called me to be.  i want to be transformed and i want to honor You with my life. thank You for Your forgiveness and Your mercy. i love You, i am so in love with You. i wanna come home. please change me, God. In Jesus’ Name,

Amen. 

so today we were on the way to the airport to drop off my brother who’s going on a missions trip to cebu :D ANYWAYS, in the car we were listening to this song called “rocket 2 u” by the jets. its like a song from the late 80’s and my parents like the song so they made us listen to it. AND NOW GUESS WHO’S HEAD THE SONG IS STUCK IN?! mine. -____- you should go listen to it so you know how i feel. hahahahah!

and like 5 minutes ago my dad made me watch the music video with him. oh gosh. haha dang, my life story is very interesting.

since i heard that song fantasy girl ft. marty james by baby bash….its stuck in my head. hahaha! i mean i think its a fun song to dance to, but i dont like hearing “she’s a fantasy fantasy girl” and “all time that girl’s a beast”

i swear, i get the weirdest, awkwardest songs stuck in my head. once, i had, “EVERYBODY LOVES BOB MARLEY! EVERYWHERE I GO BLAH BLAH BLAH” and another song “LETS DRINK BEER, LETS DRINK BEER, LETS UNWIND” or something. hahha! gosh, i mean at first it was funny cuz i was like “what the heck?!” but then now i think that all the weird, awkward songs come to me. haha! dang.

there’s gonna be a jersey shore season 2?! AHHHHH EXCITEMENT! hahahahah! dang, i dont know if im late about knowing this, but i dont care. at least i found out haha. :)

I MISS YOU DANGNABIT!!!!!! AM I SEEING YOU TOMORROW AT SERVICE? :)

….cougars. -___-

this is disgusting me. they’re like cougar creepers. its so nasty. they’re obsessed and so crazy. they have like a basement dedicated to edward cullen. im gonna throw up D: hahahahah!